update (updated)

A comment on my last post reads - "You like to see a new person in the mirror everyday." It also says don't be pissed. That, in itself is a huge contradiction. I love the idea of a new me everyday. If I stop coming up with new ideas, taking up new things, dreaming new dreams and trying to bring out what's been hidden of my personality so far, I'll be suffocated, old, weary of life and just waiting to die. It's just who I am.

My great grandmother screamed our names all of last night. I'm rushing off to see her now and I hate to say it, but I'm dreading it. I can't stand the idea of seeing her in so much pain.

I've shut myself off from a lot of things because of the illnessess all around me. And it's hurt some people. But I'm sorry, I can't go around being my normal self when something like this is going on in my life. I can't even begin to describe what my great grandmother's current state is. Drifting in and out of consciousness, bedsores all over, writhing in pain... WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO FOCUS ON?!